Proportions

Apparently, I'm perfectly proportioned. On Christmas my family had a little measuring event. It turns out that my wingspan is 72 3/4 in. and my height is 73 in. Pretty good if you ask me.

Half-asses and breast baring turkeys

So I got myself a little summer job- it's actually kind of fun. I am a wagon driver at This is the Place Heritage Park. It's kind of a crazy place, but I like my job. I get to be outside with the horses all day and give rides to goofy people and their annoying children. Oh, and I have to wear a costume. Yesterday I drove a team of mules instead of horses. I've decided to place mules into the category of animals that I don't like. They're mean, ornery, stubborn, scared of everything that moves or makes noise, and they never get tired. They ran away from me three times yesterday. The first time was before I even caught them. I put up a bar across the front door of the barn so that I didn't have to actually shut the door, but so I could herd the mules into the barn and they couldn't get out. It turns out that, unlike horses, mules can crawl under things. I herded them in through the back door of the barn and a few seconds later they had crawled out the front door. Well, a little while later we got them herded back into the barn. We harnessed them and I drove them out of the barn to hook them up to the wagon. When I got to the wagon, my helper guy had disappeared. I couldn't hook then up to the wagon by myself, so I tried to just hold them there for a few minutes and wait for him to come help me. But before he came, a couple guys on riding lawnmowers started driving towards us. The mules went crazy and started running down the road. I held them as long as I could, but I just couldn't keep up. Pretty soon they were running through the apple orchard and eventually they got tangled up in an apple tree. Well, my helper finally showed up and we got the mules hitched to the wagon and drove them for a few hours. After we got them unhitched and were driving them back into the barn to unharness them, the mules got spooked again and took off running. We finally caught them and got everything taken care of, but I'll never view mules in the same light. I hope I never have to do anything with mules ever again. Mules may only be half-asses but I now have a much better understanding of why calling someone an "ass" is such a universal insult.

I kind of felt bad for my helper guy- I was trying to be a really decent guy and watch my language and everything, but those mules brought out the worst in me. I think that after a few days of trying to make a good impression, he was a little shocked to hear some of the things that came out of my mouth. Oh well, working with mules is like nothing I've ever done before and I hope I never do it again.

The mules aren't the only interesting things at the park. There's also a fat, old turkey that wobbles around the petting corral all day. It has rubbed all of the feathers off its breasts and walks around with a puffed up chest flaunting its bare breasts at the visitors. Its quite the animal.

Maryjane down the drain

I'm really excited because the title of this post rhymes! But that's beside the point. The other night at the jail the gaurds suddenly ended class and locked all of the prisoners up in their cells. Immediately the prisoners (it was ladies' night) came up with a story to explain the lock up. A new female prisoner had smuggled some dope into the jail with her. Well, she got scared that she would get caught and tried to flush it down the toilet. Some how, the gaurd found out and had all of the plumbing in the building turned off so that somebody could fish the dope out of the pipes (I don't know who would want that job). They decided to lock everybody up for the night to prove a point that you shouldn't smuggle drugs into the jail. Well, the story was entirely made up (well, maybe not entirely). The toilet in the classroom wasn't working so I think that's what led to the part about shutting off the plumbing in the entire building. I couldn't believe how quickly they formulated a whole story to explain the lock down. It only took a few seconds.

What really happened is that an officer had died at home that day and they brought in substitute gaurds so that any of the gaurds who wanted to grieve could go home for the night. I guess they thought that it would be best to keep everybody locked up.

Speaking of jail- there is an inmate who is desperate for a female penpal- any takers?

Stranded........again

I bet you can't guess what this ones about? Yup, that's right- I locked my keys in my car again. The second time in a two week period. I went to a concert in Park City (Nas, in case you were wondering). About half way through the concert I realized that I had my camera and my wallet and that was all. We grabbed a wire hanger from the coat check girls and attempted to break into my Jeep. I once had a friend who was able to break into it for me with a coat hanger so I didn't think it would be too difficult. Yeah right. The best part was as I was trying to work the wire in through the window a group of girls walked past us. They were pointing at us and talking amongst themselves as if they had just discovered two burglars breaking into someone's car. They hopped in a limo and as I approached the limo to ask the driver for some help, he rolled up his window and drove away. Well, a nice guy named Deep, or Deet, or Deeb, or something like that gave us a ride home. The next day I got a new key made and Jon took me back to Park City to pick up my Jeep. I really think that I must have offended whatever force out in the Universe is in charge of making fortune cookies come true, cuz my fortune cookie has done lost its fortune.

I love sugar

As a missionary in Georgia I learned how to eat grits with butter and salt (yes, it is something that must be learned- it is completely unnatural). This morning I made myself a bowl of grits for breakfast. I put in a spoonful of butter and was about to sprinkle salt on top when something inside of me began to protest. After a few moments of hesitation I reached on top of the fridge, grabbed the bag of sugar, and began pouring sugar into my grits. I know that many of my friends in Georgia would say that I ruined a good bowl of grits. To them I say- that was the best damn bowl of grits I've ever had.

My good fortune's run out

Last night I locked my keys in my car- on purpose. When I go into work I usually empty my pockets of everything I don't need- cell phone, chapstick, gum, etc. Everything that I can't take into the cells I have to lock up at the check in desk at the front of the jail, so I usually just leave as much in my car as I can. Last night I emptied my pockets the same as usual- cell phone, chapstick, spare change, but then I took out my keys too. I conciously thought to myself- "I don't need these, guess I'll leave 'em in the car"- I locked the door and shut it. I didn't think anything else of it until after work when I took my wallet out of my locker and started walking outside. Suddenly I realized "I don't have my keys!" and I remembered what I had done. Well, since I had locked my phone in my car too, I was unable to call Danny to come rescue me, as I have done in the past- and there were no Chinese restaurants around so I couldn't get any good door opening fortunes like I had done before. (If you are unfamiliar with my Chinese door opening fortune cookie experience, read my post entitled "Why I believe in fortune cookies"). Anyway, I called a locksmith and forked over $45 to get it opened. I guess my good fortune has run out.

My hands are dirty.......

If you want to know what the title of this blog refers to you'll have to ask me in person (I try to keep this at least PG-13). It sums up my recent trip to San Fransisco better than anything else. Last week I went to SF with a group from the U for the National Conference on Undergraduate Research. It was pretty fun. Among other things, I ate Cuban food, went to a presentation on posthumous reproduction, learned about the alligators at the U, and completed my very first sudoku puzzle. Some of us ended up on Market Street one day between 6th and 7th (which I learned is not the nicest part of town). We witnessed a robbery on the street and then some crazy chic with scary dogs made a comment from which the title of this blog is taken. I got the coolest glasses ever- they're blue with blinking lights. Oh, and I got to listen to music with headphones that make you feel like your high. It was awesome.

One Love

Last Monday was Dawn's Birthday and Ryan and I went to the Stephen Marley concert with her at Club Suede in Park City. At one point, before the show started some enormous Polynesian fellas were being a little frivolous. One of the guys grabbed me and gave me the biggest bear hug I think I've ever had. I was completely helpless and I even thought that he might squeeze me to death on accident. He reached his head around to my ear and in slurred speech said "I don't judge a book by its cover- and I know your white- but I love you, man. When I look at you all I see is love." His mouth was so close to my ear that I could feel his lips. I don't think I've ever been the subject of so much public affection. It was kind of nice. While this guy was telling me how much he loved me, his friend was getting a kick out of yelling "Harry Potter!" and pointing at me. I guess I look like Harry Potter- I don't know. A little later, some lady confessed to grabbing my but- which I was totally unaware of. She said it was nice and firm-I guess that's good. She was holding some guys hand, so it was really awkward. Apparently he didn't care if his girl was checking out other guys. Well, we had a good time.

spring break

Last week was spring break. Highlights included:
-Soaking up UV rays at Lava Hot Springs. The water was too hot, but the sun was just right.
-Being asked by a Filipina (who is about as dark as is humanly possible without being a native African) if she had gotten any tanner.
-Accompanying Danny and his girlfriend to Arches National Park (yup, I was pretty much a loner).
-Listening to the mice howl at the moon.
-Hiking in the rain.
-Camping in the handicap spot.
-Chasing jack rabbits.
-Danny almost walking off the cliff.
-Chesterfried chicken.

blood of the gods.

I decided to check out my family history the other night so I went to the family search website and typed in the name of my maternal great great grandpa. I discovered that someone has been really busy doing genealogy. 41 generations back I discovered a man named Charlemagne. I thought, HOLY COW! so I kept looking. There were all kinds of kings and queens and dukes and counts and emperors. There was even an archbishop. I didn't think that archbishops were supposed to have children. Anyway, my ancestry went all over Western and Northern Europe- France, Spain (I even have an ancestor named Sancho Sanchez), Italy, England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Switzerland, Norway, Sweden, and Finland. I traced one line into Scandanavia back to the first and second centuries AD. That's where things became very interesting. I noticed that there were several generations with names like Godwulf, Flocwald, and Freothalf. They all lived in a place called Asgard. So I googled Asgard and read that it is the mythological home of the Norse gods and I discovered that all of those names are figures from norse mythology. Apparently I am a descendent of Norse gods. I am trying to figure out what kind of advantages this gives me in life. Exciting, huh?

Cheney at BYU?

I just read a press release from BYU that VP Dick Cheney has accepted the invitation of the First Presidency of the LDS church to speak at BYU's commencement on April 26. While I will not protest his right to speak or the right of the First Presidency to invite him, I will say that I believe it was a bad move and I'm happier than ever that I chose to go to the U of U instead of BYU- at least my celebration of four years of education will not include listening to Dick Cheney. I hope that none of the apostles invite him to go hunting while he's in Utah. I also hope he is better at controlling his language during commencement speeches than on the Senate floor. Last I heard, "obscene" language is against BYU's honor code.

push ups

My last companion on my mission was a big Tongan fella who loved to eat, gamble, listen to music, play football, and do push-ups. We helped out at the local Boys and Girls club a couple times a week, which consisted mostly of playing pool with each other and the kids. Apparently it isn't fun to play any kind of game unless there is some kind of wager. Well, since we were missionaries and we were poor we couldn't use money so my companion suggested push-ups as a wager. Needles to say- I did more push-ups in those five weeks than I ever had before or have since. I was recently reminded of this when my mom triumphantly announced to me that she did her first two push-ups ever last Sunday. Congratulations Mom!!

Preston, ID

Preston, Idaho is a nice little town. Its were I grew up and lived for the first eighteen years of my life. Last night I decided to see what kind of information was on Wikipedia about my hometown. I discovered that someone has been having fun with Wikipedia's edit feature. Among other things, I learned that Preston was settled by Greek pioneers, the film "Pearl Harbor" was filmed there, and that some of the trees there are 999,000 feet over air level. What the heck is air level? The nearby town of Franklin apparently is home to several "skyscrappers" and the early settlers in Preston were regularly threatened by bands of Samurai warriors. I can't imagine that any school children would ever write a report about Preston, ID, but if they were to, I think it would turn out pretty good if Wikipedia was their primary source. I checked the history of the article and discovered that it gets changed quite frequently, from people both fixing mistakes and adding them. Here's the link if you want to check it out: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preston%2C_ID

On Being Sexy????

There's something about being told that your sexy that does great things for your ego, regardless of who says it. Monday is ladies night at the Salt Lake Metro jail. Its the night that I get stuck in a room with about twenty female inmates. I have never met more frightening women in my life than some of those women that I work with on Monday nights. I'm pretty sure that they would bite me if I made them mad in any way at all. Anyway, this Monday night I was helping a group of ladies with some math problems. After demonstrating that squaring a number is not the same as multiplying it by two, they began to believe that I possessed some kind of superhuman math powers. I've decided that once a woman believes that you have superhuman powers she automatically falls in love with you. This is bad if you've just convinced a classroom of women who wouldn't hesitate to sink their half rotten teeth into your skin that you have super math powers. Then again, it is nice to be told that your sexy, even if its from a woman who could squash you with her bare hands.

gov. arnold

The other night, Danny and I were bored so we had a little bit of fun with the Google directory. We ended up calling Arnold Schwarzenegger. Turns out that he doesn't actually answer his phone, nor does he take messages. However, you can voice your opinion to an operator if you would like.

prison break

For those of you who aren't intimately acquainted with the intricate details of my everyday life, here's a good place to start: I have a job. I spend four evenings of the week at the Salt Lake Metro Jail, teaching, tutoring, and giving tests to inmates. As an employee of Granite School District I get paid from the state tax revenue- so remember to pay your taxes so that I don't have to get laid off. Anyway, last night I went to give a math test to a few inmates in their pod and interrupted their Monday evening entertainment: Prison Break on FOX. I thought it was really ironic that they were sitting in jail watching Prison Break. I've actually wondered before if they were allowed to watch it- I guess they are.

strange bathroom behavior

The other day I walked into a bathroom in one of the buildings on campus and was immediately caught off guard by something not common to men's restrooms: talking. And not only that, but the person doing the talking was in a stall! I immediately noticed that both of the stalls in the bathroom were occupied and I jumped to the conclusion that guys in the two different stalls were talking to each other. Then I realized that I was only hearing one voice. I finally decided that the guy was either talking on his cell phone or to himself, or that the guy in the other stall just wasn't responding for some reason. But come on, who talks on their cell phone while using the restroom- especially a public one. This experience made me wonder if I've ever had a phone conversation with someone who was sitting on a toilet in a public restroom. For some reason it seems like this might be a more common practice among women. Maybe some ladies can inform me.

romantic experiences

Is it possible to have a romantic experience with someone that you are not in the least interested in romantically? Apparently it is for some people. I had such an experience once (at least the person I was with at the time had such an experience- I'm not sure what kind of experience I had). It all happened one moonlit night in the ancient city of Alexandria, Egypt. I went out to eat with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant on the roof of a fancy hotel. Afterwards, one of the ladies with us (who was over twice my age and at least twice my size) asked me if I would like to go on a quest for juice with her. In Egypt they have these really cool juice bars where they make fresh juice from whatever kind of fruit is in season at the time. We walked to a nearby juice bar and I believe we each drank a strawberry juice. Then my companion suggested that we try a different juice bar that she had heard was spectacular and compare the juices. This particular juice bar was situated along the coast out towards the peninsula where the ancient lighthouse used to stand. Neither of us was exactly sure where this juice bar was exactly so we just started walking and kept walking and kept walking and walked some more and then we walked even further. Just when we were about to give up and turn around there it was. It was like we had stumbled into a tropical paradise: there were bananas and watermelons and mangoes hanging from the ceiling and piled up all around us. The only problem was that they didn't have any strawberries. But that was ok, cuz the watermelon juice was better than any strawberry juice I'd ever had. Anyway, we sat there and sipped on our juice and listened to the waves crash along the shore and had a nice conversation. Then, my companion noticed the horse drawn carriages that kept going up and down the road along the coastline. Nothing could be more romantic than a carriage ride along the coast in Alexandria (that is if you ignore the traffic and the honking and the yelling and all of the people staring at you because you're white). So caught a carriage and proceeded to ride along the coast towards the old fortress of Qait Bay and then back down to the Library of Alexandria. The mosques were all lit up in bright white and green lights and the library was a bright glowing blue. The moon sat in the sky above us (actually I have no memory of there being a moon, but it adds to the romantic feel of the evening). My companion looked over at me and said "Isn't this romantic." Then she added (to my relief) "You know, you don't have to be with your beau to have a romantic experience." In the end the evening was very nice and I had a good time- but it would have been nice to have had such a "romantic" experience with someone that I was romantically interested in.

more flimping

Apparently ice cream isn't the only thing being flimped lately. Mint has also been flimped.

more political stuff

Here is a quote by Barack Obama:

You want a fight, President Bush? Let's fight to make sure our so-called allies in the Middle East, the Saudis and the Egyptians, stop oppressing their own people, and suppressing dissent, and tolerating corruption and inequality, and mismanaging their economies so that their youth grow up without education, without prospects, without hope, the ready recruits of terrorist cells.

You want a fight, President Bush? Let's fight to wean ourselves off Middle East oil through an energy policy that doesn't simply serve the interests of Exxon and Mobil.

Those are the battles that we need to fight. Those are the battles that we willingly join. The battles against ignorance and intolerance. Corruption and greed. Poverty and despair

I think he hits it right on the head here. After spending some time in Egypt I can attest to the fact that the oppressive government there drives its citizens into terrorism. We claim to fight terror at the same time that we support the Egyptian and Saudi governments. How much sense does that make.

The most recent flimping

My roommate J.R. (yes, that's an alias) has been flimping ice cream lately on a fairly regular basis I believe. This is the most recent flimping that I am aware of.

Politically minded

Well, I've been doing really good at staying away from political issues in my blogging, but most people who know me very well, know that I tend to have somewhat strong political views. After looking at the candidates who are running for president in 2008 I've decided to support Barack Obama as the best candidate for president. Some of my fellow Mormons may be disappointed that I'm going for Mitt Romney, but with his latest appeals to the "Christian" Right, he lost my vote. I consider myself a Democrat, usually, although I try to avoid labels. I've heard before that you can't be a good Mormon and a Democrat, but I will argue that I am a Democrat because I am a Mormon. I strongly believe that Mormon values are more in line with the principles of the Democratic Party. I'll write more about this later, but for now I've added a link to the Mormons for Obama blog- its got some good stuff, including a blog about why the Iraq war is not in line with LDS teachings.

Falling in love

I just talked to my aunt Jamie- the one who is arranging my marriage. I'm going to Malad on Saturday to have the date of the century. I called Jamie to tell her that I would be there at about six o'clock. Her response was: "What?? We were expecting you a lot earlier than that. Don't you know that you can't fall in love on a short date? It takes long dates!!" I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into. She eventually made me agree to be there by five- which was still later than she was planning for. I guess when you live 4 hours apart it takes long dates to fall in love.
A friend recently told me that blind dates are for the birds. I'm afraid she might be right.

Why I Believe in Fortune Cookies

If you have read my previous blog entitled "My Fondest Dreams" you will know that I tend to put more faith in fortune cookies than I probably should. This all started about three years ago. One rainy fall afternoon I locked my keys in my car over on the west side of town (Rose Park). I found a cop and asked him for some help, but he said that he couldn't help because of liability issues. So I found a phone book and called a locksmith. He said that it would cost about $80 for him to open my door. Then I called my mom because she is a genius and can solve any problem in the world. She had a fantastic idea: she would call the dealership in Preston where my car came from and get the code for the key. I didn't even know that keys had codes. Well, it worked. She got the code- I called a locksmith and gave it to him- then I called my friend Danny, who always rescues me when I'm in trouble, and he agreed to pick up the key and bring it to me. In the meantime, I walked to a nearby Chinese restaraunt to get out of the rain and wait for Danny. I ordered some chicken or something and had a nice meal. Then came the moment that Chinese restaraunts were invented for- the opening of the fortune cookie. I carefully cracked it open (actually I probably just bit half of it off and started chewing), I unfolded the paper, and I read these words: Doors that have previously been closed to you will soon be opened. Within a few minutes Danny arrived with my key- and my car door was no longer closed to me.

Glasses

I've had the same pair of glasses for about six years now- which might be a world record. I've never had any troubles with them until just recently I noticed that one of the screws is loose. So today I was messing around with it and popped it out, which wasn't supposed to happen. The screw landed on the floor and is now lost among a jungle of carpet fibers. Considering the fact that glass frame screws are only slightly larger than a protazoa, I gave up after only a few minutes of searching. I can't really live without my glasses so I stuck a staple in the hole and twisted it around pretty good. I would really like to get lasik so that I don't have to worry about glasses troubles anynmore- and so that I can enjoy the luxury of wearing sunglasses whenever I want to.

blind dates

My aunt Jamie, who is one of the funniest people I know, has been working very hard to arrange a marriage between her nephew (me) and her niece ( who is not my cousin). This situation officially became scary when my aunt left me a voice-mail that said something like: "Zac, you better be excited cuz I've got your wife picked out." Well, it looks like things are starting to come together and we are actually going to meet sometime in February. She lives in Rexburg, ID and, of course, I live in Salt Lake, about 4 hours apart, so we're going to meet in the middle in the thriving metropolis of Malad (which is French for disease or something) to prepare for the rest of eternity. I guess we're going to double with my un-cousin's sister, who happens to be engaged. This somewhat reminds me of the last blind date I went on. On that particular date we doubled with the girl's cousin and her date. For most of the date, the two cousins talked about family stuff that didn't make any sense to me- it was actually one of the only dates that I've been on that I couldn't wait to end. The girls name was Bret, which is my Dad's name (and my middle name), which is weird. I was really tempted to tell her that she had the same name as my Dad, but I never got the nerve. I actually regret that now. Well, I guess I'll see how this next shot at blind dating works out. At least I know that she doesn't have the same name as my Dad- but being my Aunt's niece is still kind of strange.

I'm your angel, baby.......

I just got my hair cut by an obese lady with oxygen tubes in her nose. She was definitely not your average beautician. After asking if I wanted dreadlocks, she proceeded to simultaneously cut my hair and sing "I'm your angel, baby, let me rock your cradle." When she was done she asked me if I was glad that she had cut my hair the way I told her to and not the way that she thought would look good. I'm not sure how I was supposed to respond to that question. Then she let me know that I didn't have any split ends, "which is a good thing," she said. What????

Bag Ladies

I saw an interesting statistic in Harper's Index: the chance that white American women worry about becoming bag ladies is 1 in 2. The chance that African-American women worry about becoming bag ladies is 1 in 3. Why are women so worried about becoming bag ladies? I don't think very many women actually experience being bag ladies during their lifetime, and anyway, would it really be that bad?

Hypothetical Situation

Don't you love it when people ask you a question about a "hypothetical situation" thats so obviously real that your answer begins with, "I think you should....." That happened to me today. After I began to answer, the person who had asked the question decided that if she re-asked it and switched the genders of the people in the story that it would make it "more" hypothetical. All it really did was make it weird because she was referring to herself as a "he" and to the boy as a "she". She succeeded at confusing me, but I was surprised at how well she kept the "he"s and the "she"s consistent throughout the story. In the end the answer was still, "Just marry him."

Any Qataris Out There?

I need to find 15 people from Qatar who speak Arabic. If you are Qatari please let me know.

Am I Delusional too?

The last two nights I have been watching the new season of American Idol just like the majority of American TV viewers. At first I actually felt like a bad person for indulging in entertainment that exploits the embarassment of other people. But then I realized that America has a problem with delusionality. I think that sometimes we focus too much on pursuing our dreams whatever they may be. Rather, we should look at our lives and figure out who we are, what talents we do and do not have, and how much we are willing to sacrifice for our dreams b4 we start dreaming. Well, I'm afraid that I may also have the "American Idol" complex. I recently applied to be a contestant on The Amazing Race. I might embarass myself worse than some of the American Idol wannabes. Am I delusional too?

Happy MLK, JR. Day

This year I went all out with the MLK JR. Day celebrations. It started last week with a performance of Angela's Mix tape starring Eisa Davis on Tuesday. Wednesday I went to the lecture by Angela Davis and decided that I don't like prisons (I'm not sure what to do about that, though). Friday was the MLK Commission on Human Rights luncheon at which the President of Spellman College in Atlanta spoke. I also met a creepy guy named Steven there, but thats a story for another time. Friday night I went to a concert by the Spellman College Glee Club. On Monday the festivities culminated with an electrifying performance by Guapale. I think she's pregnant- if anyone knows for sure let me know. Anyway, I hope everybody's Martin Luther King Jr. Day was as good as mine.

Zac's got Crap for Brains

I am writing this blog to officially confess to myself and the world that I am an official sign-up-aholic. I am aware that this is the first step to recovery. I've had this problem since I was in high school and I signed up for the French club, the German club, the Civic club, Jazz band, Pep band, Cross-country, track, school musicals and plays, choir, wood shop, seminary, ballroom dance, hike and bike club, academic olympiad, and Aca-deca. I think I even signed up for the Business Professionals of America, and I know I wanted to sign up for Future Farmers of America. Anyway, this has continued to haunt me- like the day I signed up for three different marathons, and the day I signed up for a second major, and the day I signed up for a global scavenger hunt (this was like three days ago). This morning I went to a scholarship fair hoping to sign up for some scholarships but left after signing up for a dance-a-thon. I signed up to be a package handler at UPS once and ended up doing that for a year and half. My co-workers loved to make fun of me. Everyday they would taunt me: "Zac's got crap for brains". After signing up for a dance-a-thon I'm wondering if they were right. Its a 26 and a half hour dancing event at the Student Union and I can't even sleep! Well, I've done the first step to recovery, but I'm not sure what to do next. If anyone is familiar with the steps to overcoming addictions please let me know.
*this post has been edited from its original form in consideration of my more sensitive readers.